


Calculatus Eliminatus

by leobrat



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-04
Updated: 2011-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-16 02:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leobrat/pseuds/leobrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The way to find a missing something is to find out where it's not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calculatus Eliminatus

**Author's Note:**

> beta-ed by abvj

She’s late.

Lexie’s always running late. Getting Ben fed and changed and bathed with a reasonable frequency and giving him hugs when he needs them, and running to Target, and stopping to get gas, and getting the laundry done, and somehow managing to steal four minutes for a shower before she has to get to the hospital for a twelve hour shift. There aren’t nearly enough hours in the day. And she’s always late.

Of course tonight is no different.

She’s rinsing out Ben’s dishes in the sink, and he’s pulling at her scrubs by her knees and crying. “Ben, sweetie, please leave Mommy alone for a minute,” she’s mumbling under her breath, but it’s not really worth it to reason with a two-year-old. She just sighs and grabs him a sippy-cup of juice from the fridge and hands it down to him, hoping that he’ll be satisfied for a minute so she can clean up the kitchen before she leaves for work. Mark won’t clean it to her satisfaction and she hates coming home to a dirty kitchen.

She puts on _The Cat In The Hat_ cartoon, hoping to buy herself a few minutes. It's his favorite, and he usually is happy to sing and dance along with the music, but Ben is still pulling at her scrubs. When he fails to get her attention, he slaps at her knees. “Ow, ow! No, Ben, we don’t hit!” Lexie kneels down and yells in his face, holding him firmly by the shoulders, and he wails back at her. “Ben! No, we don’t hit!” Ben just cries harder, and Lexie immediately feels bad. “We don’t hit,” she repeats, softly, pulling him in for a quick hug, and he settles a bit.

Lexie can hear the front door open and close, and so does Ben. The tears immediately stop and he runs off in the direction of the front hallway, and Lexie takes a second to breathe. She looks down and her scrubs are spattered with water. Water’s not so bad. Water she can handle.

“Look who’s home,” Mark calls, walking into the kitchen. She knew he had a skin graft on a burn patient and he called a couple of hours ago to tell her it was a success. He has Ben scooped up in his arms, and they’re both all smiles. Two peas in a pod, her boys. “Hey honey, how was your day?”

Lexie sighs. “He had his dinner, but he still needs a bath. And he would only take, like, a twenty-minute nap today, so make sure he gets a good night’s sleep tonight. I’ve got to go to work, I’m late,” she already has her jacket on, but Mark holds out a hand to stop her.

“Lexie, what’s wrong?”

She sighs again. “I’m fine.” Mark stands in front of her in the doorway, with their son, and they’r both looking back at her with the same blue eyes. She’s never really been able to hide anything from either of them. “They announced chief resident today. And I didn’t get it.” Mark shifts Ben in his arms, and reaches for her, but she steps back slightly. “But...you already knew that.”

“Lexie...”

“Look...it’s fine, I just...I have to go,” Lexie leans forward and gives Ben a quick kiss on his forehead and her husband a quicker kiss on the cheek, and she’s out the door.

Outside, in her car, even though she’s still running late, she takes a long deep breath.

***

Ben was a surprise, of course. She and Mark had been back together for about a minute, when Lexie skipped her very next period. She took six pregnancy tests, and lined them all up on the bathroom counter, broken out in a cold sweat.

It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like that. There were a thousand reasons they broke up in the first place, and they hadn’t really gotten around to talking or working out any one of them. And then there it was. Everything she _knew_ she wasn’t ready for, everything Mark so desperately wanted.

He was petrified when she told him. Not the way Alex or Jackson would have been petrified - he was petrified that she wouldn’t have it. And she did have that thought- and not just for a second, either.

But as much as she hadn’t wanted a hypothetical baby, an _actual_ baby she couldn’t make herself _not_ want. With all they had been through in the past year, with all Lexie had _ever_ been through...Well, she knew life was short and there wasn’t always a later.

And she loved Mark, and he loved her, and in that, at least, she had no uncertainty.

He cried when she told him she was ready, that she wanted it. That she wanted him, and a life together. “Lex, I...”

“Shh, shh, I know,” she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, and he pulled her tighter against him. “We’ll figure it out.”

***

Traffic is backed up, and it’s pouring rain the whole way to the hospital, so Lexie knows it’s going to be a hell of a night in the pit.

And sure enough, as soon as she’s clocked in, Dr. Bailey’s sending her right down to the pit. MVA with multiple victims. Hell of a night.

She runs into Meredith in the elevator. “Did you just get on?” Lexie asks her, and Meredith nods.

“Already doing a consult in the pit,” Meredith says, but she can’t manage to hide her smile, and Lexie has to grin back. Meredith is so stuck on finally becoming an attending. She’s proud of herself, and Lexie is proud of her. Meredith looks over at her. “How was Ben today?”

“Good...he’s good,” Lexie answers. Well, today he threw a tantrum in the grocery store, and wouldn’t nap, and now, there was this slapping thing which Lexie isn’t too excited about, but mostly he was good. He’s healthy, and happy, and she had to admit he’s pretty darn adorable, so...he’s good. And after all, Meredith had asked how Ben was. Not how she was.

Meredith had been chief resident _her_ year. But it’s probably a good thing that she didn’t get it. There aren’t enough hours in the day as it is, and chief resident is really just a load of administrative bull that she does not need.

The pit is already a flurry of activity, and Lexie rushes past several doctors and nurses, rushing patients up to the OR, off for tests, and dealing with frantic questions. Dr. Hunt directs her and Meredith to the same patient, rattling off, “Severe head trauma to the parital lobe and various facial lacs to the right and left zygomatic bones,” and Meredith grabs the chart, as they approach Curtain 4.

“Well,” Meredith says under her breath. “A _cute_ head trauma.” Lexie has to groan at the awful pun, but still, the guy sitting up in bed isn’t too terrible to look at. Even with the deep gash across his chiseled cheekbone. And he’s clearly fine enough to sit up in bed and flash a smile at his doctors.

“Ryan McCarroll, thirty-eight, driver and only passenger of the second vehicle,” Lexie recites from his chart. She examines his face. It will definitely leave a scar, there’s no way around it, but she has a pretty gentle touch and she‘ll do her best with him. She learned from the best, after all. “Mr. McCarroll, I’m Dr. Grey and I’m going to see to that cut on your face.”

“And I’m Dr. Grey, and I will be checking in on you after you have a CT,” Meredith adds.

“Come on, do I really need a scan?” He’s got a low-pitched voice, flavored with bourbon and lots of late nights, Lexie can tell. “Look at me, I’m all good.” But he winces, even as he’s trying to charm his way around them, and Lexie sees that he’s favoring his right leg.

“You were unconscious for a few minutes, Mr. McCarroll,” Meredith smiles at him. “We just need to make sure.” She gives off instructions to a nervous intern, and she’s off to the other side of the ER.

Ryan McCarroll sighs, and looks back at Lexie, flashing that grin of his again. It’s eerily familiar- eerily the way she saw her own husband when she was a wide-eyed intern, and she can feel herself flushing. “What’s with the Dr. Grey/Dr. Grey business? Life partners?”

Lexie laughs. “Sisters.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Wow. Smart family....Hey...um....do you know when I’ll be out of here?” Lexie knows it will be a while before he gets in for his CT- there are far more critical patients ahead of him, but she can take care of his lac right now at least.

“Sorry. You’ll be here for a while,” Lexie says, pulling on her gloves. “And I think we should have ortho take a look at your leg while you’re here and all.”

***

So Lexie spends a little extra time on Ryan - _Mr. McCarroll’s_ , she corrects herself - sutures. Unfortunately, most of the patients that were so frantically rushed into the ER weren’t surgical. Well...it’s fortunate for them. Meredith has a subdural hematoma and she invites her to scrub in, but so far that’s it. Mr. McCarroll has a concussion, and though he seems to be fine now, Meredith recommended that he stay in the hospital overnight, just to be on the safe side.

Callie checks out Ryan’s leg, and he makes Lexie giggle when he tried to plead with her not to send him out on crutches. “Come on, how can I look cool gimping around?” He winks at Lexie across the room, and she can feel herself blush. She hasn’t blushed this much in a long time, and Callie shoots her a warning look.

***

“Are you _flirting_ with Mr. McCarroll?” Meredith whispers next to her at the scrub sink.

“Meredith!” Lexie hisses, by way of reply.

“Well, there’s the answer,” Meredith says, not looking up. “Mr. Mc-Off-Limits, you know.”

“You haven’t Mc-ed anyone in a while,” Lexie says, bumping her hip against her sister because she can’t poke her unless she wants to start scrubbing all over again.

“Well, that’s because we all grew up and got McMarried,” Meredith answers, looking up and over at Lexie pointedly. “Remember that, _Mrs._ McSteamy?”

Lexie is quiet for a second. “Of course I remember that. I smiled at a patient a couple of times, is it really a big deal?”

Meredith shakes the excess water off her hands and looks Lexie right in the eye. “What has been going on with you tonight?”

Lexie takes a deep breath. “Who voted against me for chief resident?”

Meredith’s eyes go wide and she quickly shakes her head. “You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Meredith, you’re my sister-”

“Lexie, I-”

“I am the best, the _best_ of my year,” Lexie’s voice is raising and she thinks she can see the scrub nurse looking over at them, but she just can’t care right now. “I fell behind a year, and I’m _still_ the best. I work my ass off, I know every chart in this hospital, and I am _the best_ , but I was passed over. And why? Because people think I can’t do it. That I won’t have the time. I’m always late and I’m always rushing off right after my shift, and I don’t go to Joe’s and network and kiss ass, so people think I can’t do it because I am someone’s _mother_. People think I can’t do it.”

Meredith has gone still and let Lexie say her piece, and Lexie knows she sounds like a whiney, spoiled brat, but she has been holding it in for a good long while. She doesn’t have the energy left to care.

“Dr. Grey,” a nurse has been standing quietly in the doorway, and Meredith shakes herself out of listening to Lexie.

“Yes, sorry, I will be right in,” Meredith starts to tie back her mask, but the nurse stops her.

“I apologize, Dr. _Lexie_ Grey,” Lexie looks up. “You’re needed back in the ER.”

“A consult? Right as I’m scrubbing in, can’t anyone else do it?” Lexie asks with a sigh. She really needs a surgery tonight.

The nurse’s face is calm, years of practiced professionalism. “Your son was brought in seven minutes ago. Your husband said to say he’s been calling you for a half hour.”

 

***

All sounds fade to the background and everything seems to be in her way as she makes her way down to the ER. She vaguely registers people calling out her name, a mix of _Lexie_ and _Dr. Grey_ and none of it really grabs her attention because all she can see is Mark walking along next to the gurney, dressed only in a gray tee shirt, his hair wet from the rain. He’s barking out stats and empty threats to the paramedic who seems to know better than to say something about ‘knowing how to do his job’ or something.

Lexie is frozen, seeing her baby on the gurney next to his father, his little hand weakly gripping Mark’s.

“Is that Ben?” Dr. Bailey’s next to her, and Lexie can only bring herself to nod, slightly. “Lexie, you’re off for the night, I’ll call in Avery to cover you...Lexie!” Dr. Bailey pushes her forward and Lexie starts to run.

“What, what happened...” Lexie’s voice is barely above a whisper and she stands precariously in the doorway of the trauma room, almost as if she’s afraid she’ll tip over if she steps over the threshold.

“He...he turned blue all of a sudden, he was burning up, I ran outside with him and it cooled him off, he wasn’t breathing...It’s a febrile seizure,” Mark is rambling, shouting over to her, getting in Dr. Hunt’s team’s way, and in general freaking out worse than she’s ever seen him. Mark never freaks out about anything. He’s always teasing her for being so nervous.

“What do you mean, he wasn’t breathing, Mark?”

“He...he was burning up, he was so hot, and-”

“Dr. Sloan, Dr. Grey, I need you out of here so we can work,” Dr. Hunt shouts above both of them, quickly glancing up to glare at Mark. “You both should know better.”

“Ben, it’s gonna be fine, buddy, Daddy’s right here,” Mark is calling, worried, frantic cheer in his voice, even as the intern is pushing him out of the room. The intern looks like he’s about nine years old.

Mark is reaching for her as soon as he’s out the door, but she jerks back. If he touches her she will completely lose it, and her heart is already hammering out of her chest.

“Lexie, I-”

“What do you mean he wasn’t breathing, Mark?” There’s ice in her voice, she can hear it and she knows he doesn’t deserve this even as it’s all coming out, but she can’t help herself. “How was he _not breathing_ and you didn’t see it, how did you not know it?”

Mark’s chin is quivering and she’s never seen him this gutted and ashamed. He looks back at the room where their son is being worked on. “Lex, I...”

“Dammit, Mark, how did you not _see_ it?” She’s shouting and screaming in the ER, and she has done her utmost, every day to not be seen as an overly emotional mother, but she just does not give a shit right now. The anger is good. It’s better than full-out panic.

“Lexie, Lexie,” Dr. Bailey is pulling her away from the window and out to the hallway, away from the commotion.

“Leave me alone, I need to stay with my son-”

“Lexie, you need to let Dr. Hunt work,” Dr. Bailey steps closer to her and lowers her voice. “You know very well that you’re not doing any good being here.” Lexie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She’s right.

When she opens her eyes, Mark is watching her, absolutely petrified. She goes to him for a quick, fiercely tight hug and whispers in his ear, “Go back in the room. Hold his hand, I don’t want him to be scared.”

“I’ll stay with her out here,” Dr. Bailey speaks up behind her and Mark whispers thanks against her hair, and then quickly brushing a kiss at the top of her head and heading back in the room. He’s speaking in gentle tones to his son. He can’t hold his hand, but he makes sure Ben can see him.

Lexie backs away from the window. She can’t stand back and watch, so she goes to sit on the row of seats that face away from the window. She can feel a quiver in her voice and breathes deeply to calm it. “I don’t know why I’m so frustrated all the time.”

Dr. Bailey sits next to her and lays a hand on top of hers. Lexie can’t remember her ever touching her before. “We have a tough job, you know.”

“I know,” Lexie says, wearily. “I knew what I signed up for in med school.”

Dr. Bailey sighs. “That’s not what I was talking about.”

Lexie is quiet. “He had a seizure. He had a seizure and I didn’t notice anything coming- I’m a doctor, how did I miss that...I just left for work, and I was... _relieved_. I was relieved to come into a hospital and do surgeries, so I could get away from a two-year-old. What kind of a mother am I?”

“Because they come on suddenly, and there would have been no way to know,” Bailey says firmly. “Our job is tough. Lexie...you are a _good_ mother. You left him at home with what seems like a fantastic father, who’s not a half bad doctor himself.” Bailey laughs a little, under her breath. “Mark Sloan. Who would’ve thought?”

Lexie leans her head back against the wall. It’s funny- Mark’s ability as a father has never put a second’s worry into her mind. But her... “I just think about...god, my mother _always_ had time for us, everything was always done, always ready...She made it look so easy.”

Dr. Bailey’s smile is kind. “That’s what I thought, too, when I first had Tuck. How do people do a job _this_ big?”

“And my husband, I’m always biting his head off,” Lexie knows she probably shouldn’t be unloading on her attending like this, but those kinds of rules have never really mattered at Seattle Grace. “He’s a great dad to Ben, and he’s really, _really_ good to me. He loves me. It’s not his fault that he got to accomplish everything he wanted to professionally before he had a family, and I’m the one who has to play catch up.”

“Marriage is _hard_ ,” Dr. Bailey says emphatically. “For everyone. And you two go to work and save lives. You go home and you do the toughest, best job in the world. It’s never going to get easier.”

“I know, I _know_.” She can hear Ben cry out for her one more time, and Lexie is on her feet, running into the room. They’ll just have to deal with a hysterical mother, like it or not.

Mark pulls her back, away from the table, his hands firm on her shoulders, but she tries to smile bravely at Ben as she calls to him, “Hey buddy, you’re doing great.”

Alex strides into the room, and before Lexie can start firing questions and instructions at him, he quickly shushes her before she can start up. “I heard Ben was brought in, and wanted to see if I could help.”

“Febrile seizure,” Dr. Hunt speaks up. “I was just about to do a lumbar puncture.”

Alex slaps on a pair of gloves. “Want me to do it. Two-year-olds squirm, you know.”

“Be my guest,” Hunt steps back.

Lexie can feel herself breaking out in a cold sweat, and she couldn’t help crying out once. “Lumbar puncture? Do we really need that, can’t we just-” The needle looked enormous next to her baby.

“We need to rule out meningitis, you know that,” Alex speaks quietly, but firmly enough to make the nurse next to him flinch. He looks up at Lexie, directly in the eye. “Lex- I swear to God, one word out of you and I will throw you out of this room personally.” He nods at Mark, who tightens his grip on her. “Sloan, get a handle on your wife.”

“She’s fine,” Mark says. “She’s holding me up, too.” That wasn’t true, but Lexie felt a rush of love and gratitude for her husband standing up for her.

“Okay, you’ve got to hold him really still,” Alex gently tucks Ben into a fetal position on the table and nods to Mark to come hold him. “Sing to him, tell him a story, whatever you can do to distract him.” He changes the pitch of his voice to talk to his patient. “All right, hold your dad’s hand, Ben. Oh, you’re so, so tough.” Alex was a great pediatrician. Lexie was grateful that he was her friend still.

“Okay, look at Daddy, Ben,” Mark smiles at his boy, and Lexie holds his feet, trying to help keep him tucked in the correct position.

“Hey Ben, want Mommy and Daddy to sing the cat song?” Lexie asks, false excitement and cheer, and Ben cries unintelligibly, but she and Mark both break into song at the same time, helping each other along with the silly lyrics. “ _When you mislaid a certain something, keep your cool, don’t get hot. Calculatus eliminatus is the best friend that you got. Calculatus eliminatus always helps an awful lot, the way to find a missing something is to find out where it’s not!”_ Ben screams out as the needle goes in at his spine, but Mark and Lexie both keep right on singing and Mark holds him so he can’t move. It’s the longest three minutes of her life, with her baby screaming out like that.

Once all the fluid is collected, Alex makes Ben lie flat. “Good job, Ben, you did real good!” He motions for the parents to come over. “Make sure he keeps still, all done for now.”

“You’re rushing those results through, right, Karev?” Mark is gruff, sounding like a tough teacher, but Alex just nods instead of his usual smart ass reply. Ben is admitted, and the Sloans are let up into a private room in the peds wing.

Once they’re alone, Lexie puts out a hand to touch Ben’s head. He’s sleeping soundly against Mark’s chest. “You know...whenever anyone asks me how Ben is, I just say he’s doing good and he’s getting big,” she continues to stroke his fine, dark hair as she speaks quietly. “I mean no one wants to hear the full story, what it’s really like, so I just say he’s getting big. But he’s really not. He’s still so, so little, and he still needs so much, and I’m just afraid I...I can’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.” Lexie’s voice breaks and she can feel tears sliding down her face.

Mark nudges her chin up with his finger, wiping away her tears. “Lexie...you...you give this boy everything. Absolutely everything, and you don’t hold back. You give everything your all. I was right beside you for thirty-six hours while you went through hell to bring him into this world, and I see you, every day...You know all the words to all of his favorite songs and you know exactly what he wants for lunch every day, and...you know him inside out. You know him better than anyone. When he was born, his eyes followed your voice- he...knew you. Right from the start. One thing in the world that I know without question, is that I could never ask for a better mother for my son.”

Lexie closes her eyes, letting out a deep breath. “I’m sorry if I was a bitch before I left tonight. I’m sorry that I’m a bitch all the time-”

“You’re not-”

“A lot then,” Lexie sighs. “The chief resident thing, it’s so stupid, I just- I hate not feeling good enough.”

Mark looks at her very carefully. “Your figure-of-eight is perfect.”

“What?”

“Your figure-of-eight stich. It’s perfect,” Mark’s tone is completely serious. “When I was a fifth year resident, mine was no where close to yours. For what it’s worth, you have my total respect and admiration as a colleague.”

“As a colleague?” Lexie has to laugh. “For what it’s worth, it means a lot.”

“Lex...listen to me.”

She looks at him and he continues. “One thing I never take for granted is your love for me. I...I know that...this life isn’t what you...” and now Mark’s voice is wavering, and his eyes are blurring slightly, and...she never sees her husband like this. He looks down at Ben, sleeping between them, and when he looks back up, it’s the second time she’s seen him cry. “All I ever wanted was to make you happy. And be a good dad. I was so, so terrified of being a bad father and I...I never wanted for you to be...I’m sorry if I pushed you into-”

Lexie leans up and kisses him, softly, twice. “Mark...I never wanted a lot of things that happened in my life.” He cocks his head to the side but doesn’t interrupt her. “And...that’s brought me good and bad...I...I never wanted to meet Meredith. When I heard I had another sister, I hoped that I never would cross paths with her. I never wanted to do my residency in Seattle, I wanted to be as far away from my father as possible...I _never_ thought I’d be in plastics.” At this, Mark chuckles. “And I...I didn’t want to have a baby when I was still a resident. Until it happened. Do you think I would change any of that?”

Mark nods, understanding. “Make the best of it, then?”

Lexie leans over and kisses her husband, the way she does not always take time to, the way she always should. “We have a great life. It’s not the life I planned, but...It’s better than great. We have an incredible life.” Mark is still an amazing kisser. At least that has never changed

There’s a soft knock at the door, and Lexie turns around to see Dr. Bailey standing there. “No meningitis,” she offers, with a small smile. “Just a really high fever, Ben should be fine tomorrow morning.”

“That was fast, Miranda,” Mark raises an eyebrow.

Dr. Bailey shrugs. “The lab techs are scared of me. Have a good night, Mark, Lexie.”

“Thank you, Dr. Bailey,” Lexie sags with relief when she leaves.

It’s been a hell of a night.


End file.
